Monday, February 20, 2006

For Those of You Following My Personal Life

I'm sure you're wondering how lunch went on Saturday. I'm not sure it's fair to write about my ex for all the world to see like this, but then again the man is clueless enough to NEVER LOOK AT MY BLOG. Seriously. If you loved someone, wouldn't you want to know what they've been thinking about?

This blog is a window into my mind. Some people find it entertaining. If I care about something enough to write about it, I'd like to be with someone who cares enough to read it. Not reb sox, but this stuff he should want to see, right? My ex never wanted to see any of my jobs, either, back in the day when he had opportunities to. I don't expect my man to be interested in all the things I am, but to not want to see things that I create? That poor man really IS stuck in his own head.

Anyway, we sat down at a booth and my ex started talking. He talks a lot; perhaps I have mentioned? After awhile, I realized he was going over each of the events leading up to my break-up, and making excuses for his behavior. "But you realize, that weekend is not why I broke up with you?" I'm sure we can all relate to his frenzied contemplation, the microscope we pull out after losing someone we love, examining the last days for things we could have done to prevent that final event... looking for ways to reverse it.

When I told him I was never going back to him, he replied emphatically that I have said that before. Well of course he would like to believe that, because in that case he doesn't have to believe me. I hate when he tells me that I said things I didn't say. It's exasperating. And it's happened so many times over the years, I can only shrug my shoulders because to fight it seems useless. Then he went into how our memories are really solidified by the first time we remember something, not from the actual event. He talked about this just long enough to make me feel like there had been ample separation from his original statement, and I made mine. I told him I knew I didn't say that not from memory, but because I would not have said it. I don't make declarative statements unless I am sure, and I was not sure until now. I might have said not for a very long time, but I would not have said "never". Well he must have not liked hearing that because he changed the subject.

He told me he had this picture stuck in his mind, of him and me and some kids on the farm back in PA... I love that picture, too. But it's a still-life. I don't have a problem with the big picture with my ex; it's the day-to-day stuff I just can't handle. But how do you tell someone that he annoys the living shit out of you? Ah, you don't. Or at least I couldn't.

Finally he said that we didn't have to talk about all that. So he asked about my niece, and I asked about what he'd be doing this weekend in PA before leaving for the Carribean, and if he'd be seeing his sisters. (Possibly, but doing some "work" at the farm seemed to be a much larger priority than spending time with his family.) We finished off our lunch and I walked him to his truck. He gave me a half-hearted hug, and I felt like he was trying not to look at me as he drove past through the parking lot. I wonder how many miles he cried.

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