Sunday, September 25, 2005

My Niece, Sami Mae

My sister and her husband had ample time to chat this week while they were hanging out in the delivery room for TWO WHOLE DAYS. It seems that my bro-in-law has not seen much in the way of Bonnie's childhood pictures - I imagine this was on purpose - and was asking her what she looked like, in order to get a better idea of what to expect in little Samantha Mae. Well I guess there's not much point in being self-conscious, once you've had your legs spread out wide for everyone to see for a few hours. So Bonnie told her husband Joshua that when she was a little girl, she looked kind of like a troll.

Well I was only four when Bonnie was born, so I can't picture her very well as an infant, but I certainly saw quite a bit of her as a young girl. She was not the most attractive child in the family, but that may have had something to do with the way she cut her bangs down to fuzz every time she started to look normal. In her most awkward stages, she looked rather like a pixie on weight watchers, an evil cabbage patch kid with freckles, the sister that the seven dwarves shoved in the closet, a chubby Punky Brewster with a really bad haircut maybe, but not a troll. Perhaps a hobbit? Jeez, I don't even know what a female hobbit is supposed to look like. I can't believe that in four books about hobbits, Tolkien did not bother to describe the fairer sex of this noble race.

Well eventually they got down to business and pushed this baby out, and since there are some minor similarities I thought I'd use the trolls pictured above to describe my new neice.

  1. Sami is MUCH, MUCH cuter than those trolls. I know what you're thinking, those trolls are pretty cute, how can that be possible? It just IS.
  2. Sami's legs are much longer than those pictured above. Obviously. But also proportionally. In fact, not that I've seen many, but Sami has the longest, leanest legs I have ever seen on an infant. Her body reminded me of the house-elves in Harry Potter books. Don't worry, Bonnie. I believe these house elves are not permitted to use magic. Also, they will work for you like slaves (and are quite happy to do so) and remain devoted to you as long as you live. Whether you like it or not.
  3. She had a hat on, but so far as I could tell, her hair was very dark (NOT white!), a great deal thinner, and also finer. It was not at all frizzy like those trolls, and did not seem to have nearly as much volume.
  4. Her nose is a bit smaller; It's the really cute button-type. Her cheeks are fat and happy, just like the trolls, but she doesn't have any of those weird pronounced wrinkles, which gives her face a much softer look.
  5. I would estimate her ears at about one tenth of the size (proportionally, of course) of those on the trolls. I'm not sure how much a newborn can hear, but I'm guessing it's not at the level of transmissions from outer space, which would be the only reason I can think of to have ears that enormous.
  6. She appeared to be wearing deep pink eyeshadow. Glamour girl! I'm sure Bonnie would not approve of makeup at such a young age... I wonder how she did it. Anyway, it looked HOT. Nice job, Sami.
  7. I don't think she has a tail. Maybe I ought to have checked?

I'm sure you all are wondering why I don't just post a picture so you can judge for yourself? Well I'm afraid I don't have the right to tell you that. Also, I'm not permitted to have an opinion on the matter, much less express it. I'm probably not even allowed to tell you what I'm not allowed to do, so at the rate I'm going I should be ex-communicated from my entire family by say Thursday. I wonder what person entirely unrelated to me will be chosen to inform me, and what rude and impersonal method they will choose to employ? Ah, Life... so full of surprises.


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